A "Non-Believing" Christian?

I have been teaching a Sunday School class lately at my church.  We are doing a study of Marcus Borg's book The Heart of Christianity.  Marcus Borg is considered a more "progressive" author and teacher and advocates "looking again" at many of our basic assumptions about Christianity.  I truly get what he teaches.  His teachings resonate within me.  However, teaching this class is making me become aware of something, the implications of which are still unknown - I seem to be a "non-believing" Christian and I am beginning to wonder if I even need to keep that word "Christian" in my self-definition. 

Perhaps that is why I like Borg so much.  The premise of his book is that there are two paradigms (world-views or gestalts) that exist within Christianity today - the earlier paradigm and the emerging paradigm.  For the sake of simplicity I will say that the earlier paradigm emphasizes "believing in Christianity now for the sake of heaven later" (p. 11) and the emerging paradigm emphasizes "a relationship with God that transforms life in the present" (p. 14). 

Within this emerging paradigm "believing" is not as important as a relationship that transforms.  The past and future are not as important as the present.  It becomes more and more impossible to make absolutist claims.  The more a person lives in this world-view, the more he or she talks in metaphor - sounding a lot like the mystics of all of the world's traditions.

Today's class was on the final chapter of Borg's book.  We talked about being Christian in a world of increasing religious pluralism.  The topic of missionary work came up in our discussion.  Some of the members of the class seemed to believe that missionary work was very important - the goal of which is to bring Christianity to people who do not know about it and to work towards converting them.  I was asked what Borg would probably say about missionary work.  My response was that he would probably support it but that he would not see its goal as one of conversion.  He would probably see the goal as one of healing relationships and social justice.  Some of the class members did not like my answer.

Even in our very progressive church there is still this belief that Christianity is the only way and that all other religions are inferior.  I have never thought this way.  It was teachings like this that helped me decide, at age 13, to leave Christianity "for good."  However, I never lost interest in Christianity and in the man Jesus.  It was about six years ago that my partner, Richard, and I started going to Northminster Church (http://www.northmin.org/).  We very quickly felt at home there and became members. 

Now, six years later, I am teaching this class and wondering if I truly belong there.  Am I a Christian?  I study most of the world's major religions.  I practice eastern forms of meditation and have an eclectic assortment of religious art all over the place in my home and office.  I love A Course in Miracles and the writings of modern, nondual teachers such as Eckhart Tolle, Gangaji, Adyashanti and Byron Katie.  More and more I am seeing the futility of all identifications and mental constructs.  Am I really a "Christian"?  Am I a "Deeply Ecumenical / Mystical / Nondualist"?  Am I gay?  Am I a man?  Am I a social worker?  On an absolute level the answer seems to be "no" to all of these questions of self-definition. 

On an absolute level I am none of these things.  On a relative level I have a "story" and "identity."  The more I am able to see through this story and become aware of my "true self," the more my story will become transparent to Being and the more I will embody this absolute level.  Does this mean that I will give up my story?  I do not think so.  It seems that I will give up my identification with my story.

Who knows what the ultimate implications of all of this will be?  Will I remain at Northminster Church for the rest of my life?  If my life so far is any indication, the answer is "no."  I do not seem to stay very long in any one religious or spiritual "home."  However, I do not see myself leaving this church any time soon.  I do love the people, the building, the programming, and mostly the preaching.  As far as I am concerned C. Welton Gaddy is the best preacher in the world.  We are so lucky to have him. 

I am a Christian.  However, being Christian to me has nothing to do with believing or not believing in such doctrines as the virgin birth, the resurrection of Jesus, and "substitutionary atonement" (the belief that Jesus died for our sins).  Being Christian to me is first and foremost about a relationship with God and others.  It is about living the "way" of Jesus - the way of the cross, the way of dying to my old self and being born again as the "new self."  It is about practicing forgiveness, compassion and reconciliation.  It is about working for social justice and the creation of what Martin Luther King, Jr. called "the beloved community" and what Jesus called "the kingdom of God."          

I do not believe in Christianity in the usual way we mean "believe."  However, I am thankful to Borg for explaining the "pre-modern" meaning of that word "believe."  Prior to the 17^th century the word was not used to refer to statements of belief, but rather to people.  It meant "to hold dear; to prize; to give one's loyalty to; to give one's self to; to commit oneself."  As Borg writes, "Most simply, ‘to believe' meant ‘to love.'  Indeed, the English words ‘believe' and ‘belove' are related.  What we believe is what we belove.  Faith is about beloving God."

I do not believe in Christianity as a set of doctrines.  But, I do love it.  Mostly, I love God, the Absolute, the Ground of all Being, and the way that Jesus was and is a sacrament (a vessel or vehicle) of God.  I love many of the traditions and practices that arose as a result of Jesus and his "way."  I am drawn to Christianity and probably always will be.  It is an on-going, ever-maturing relationship that continues to transform my life and stretch me beyond my comfort zone.  And for that I say, "Thanks be to God."